HOW MUCH I HATED BEING A WOMAN by Mubassirah Bint Solih

Okay, wait, I know what you must be thinking with that line, but, could you let me explain myself before you eat me up? Lol, that was just a joke by the way.
I grew up in a family where I was taught that a woman is not supposed to have a voice. You know, that kind of home where they treat each child typically as a function of his/her gender, with everyone knowing from the beginning what responsibilities are expected of them; and that division, I hated very much and thought was unfair.

When I grew enough to understand some basics in life, I felt some of those things were not set right, I felt cheated on some levels, but, who was I to talk to anybody about it? Of course, I was just a girl child after all. Then, when it got to a point, I started to have hatred for every single female-gender-based traits and characteristics: being a wife, getting pregnant, going through labour, cooking, doing dishes, being submissive, and what have you: they all felt like some rigid limitations women are submitted to without allowing them to maximize their potentials, like “we can be better than that”.

In bits, I withdrew into myself, never talking to anyone about anything particularly serious, so, nobody knew a single thing about me save the obvious. I used to enjoy competing with the boys in my class, and, subhanaLlah, if I ever lose a debate or quiz to a boy one out of 5 times I would cry my eyes out and hate them even more: it’s not fair that a boy should beat me at everything (you know, that mindset where you forget all the times you had won and just capitalize on this one time the other person got lucky? Yeah, that “you’ve never done anything right in your life kinda thing”).

The other important reason I hated being a woman was the early realization of how much females were actually cheated, when it comes to sexual abuse and harassment, where boys could get away with touching anybody anywhere and nobody picks offense, and when the girl goes to report? Wow, she’s rebuked for being shameless… you can say that I didn’t grow up in a really fair society. But, what if I tell you that I eventually realized a number of few early experiences actually beguiled my judgement? Okay, here, let me explain…

I saw girls being treated as the weak pathetic beings, taking over the kitchens with their mothers whilst the boys watched TV or do whatever with their fathers (or alone), and to me, they never did anything, it was always just “us” working. I saw girls play with boys and it always felt stupid to me, really stupid, that even now, I cannot explain why it felt that way to me.

Many years later, I realized where the whole hidden hatred was taking me, and, I had to rethink the whole thing: I was created a woman, so, what can I do about it?
Learning about the concept of “penis-envy” enlightened me a great deal too. It is something that is actually general, common to every girl child in the early 2-3 years after birth, where you see yourself as not “having” that which the male child has and the envy grows and you can’t stop wanting to be a male actually: how well this stage is handled matters a lot (I’d call on all women to take acute note of this and be really cautious in how they raise their kids and what kinds of things they say to them; it always matters a great deal). According to Freud, Penis envy is a stage of development experienced only by female children and occurs when a girl first notices the differences in male and female anatomy and longs to have a penis of her own, and this is when she becomes overly attached to her father and quite "distant" to her mother. Hence, the need to handle this stage with extreme caution and attention (2-6years for both male and female children).

Many of us actually abhor some sentiments towards our being women, but then, because we have never had a reason to explore our minds, we have never had to admit that to our consciousness.
It is beautiful though, when you know where and how you are going wrong… I didn’t want to be a woman even if my life depended on it! And, when I see women who were submissive to their husbands and the girlie-girls who were always happy and giggling in the company of boys? I feel nausea, like, I really see it as being outright dumbness! And, I wasn’t going to be dumb, no matter what. Now, imagine what I felt when I first heard that polygyny is permissible whilst polyandry is an absolute abhorrent abomination, even in our culture as Yoruba people? Then, males are the heirs actually, female children would have to depend on them for their inheritance and all that…
“You are amazing, you’ve got the potentials” those were the words of my favorite female teacher back when I was in primary6, few weeks to our graduation. I held those words really tight because I felt they were validation of my feelings of fears and insecurity: I can beat any man.

It is quite ironical that I bore something so toxic within me for so many years while I maintained a meek exterior because I never had the courage to admit to anybody the kind of things that are actually going through my mind: I always felt different and weird (lol, some of my friends still call me weirdo) from everyone else, and so, I tried to “blend” by making sure to keep my lips sealed tight most of the time (which is what made it really hard for me to actually shared ideas, regardless of topics: I always feared what others’ reactions and thoughts about me would be), keeping the hurt desperately in whenever a boy gets praised in my class and promising myself to lower his gravels: I tell you, it was a very harmful thing I was doing to my mental health. And, should I burst this bubble? Nobody ever noticed a single thing all through the many years I carried those deadly thoughts and feelings (we probably have to step up in being parents; it is very essential that we assure our kids it is safe to carry us along in all or most of their mental, emotional, psychological and socio-personal processes, especially in their early year, so that we know when exactly intervention is necessary. Enough of the “that’s how things are done in my culture” and “that’s how I was raised” mantra thing, we really need to change those rigid setups that prove as setbacks to the overall healthy growth of our children).

It was awesome when I heard about feminism, it was really cool, and it felt like home… I had (still have) a father, so, I dared not ever raise a single voice in the presence of my family about how unfair they were treating the girl child or how the males should be made to share responsibilities or how the girl child should be allowed the freedom to visit friends and return as late as she wants or pass the night there at a short notice (giving home a simple phone call to inform them she won’t be returning home that day), or how the girl child should be complemented for being a female too (because most of the efforts go unappreciated, because, we feel, yes, “it’s just her responsibility”), or how nobody should complain when a female chooses to go out basically naked as we don’t see anything wrong in a man roaming the street in his miserly boxer shorts (which is quite unacceptable in Islam too actually, save it reaches down to his knees), or how the so many irrational things I felt should be put in place so that we could find our voice and stand tall in the society, side-by-side with the men… I never said those things, never shared them, I only just bore them strongly like my whole life depended on them.
Feminism is about loving yourself for being a woman, right? Seeking equality with the men, right? But, hey, I tell you, it is not! It is rather, hating yourself for being a woman! Yes, I had always known from the beginning that I didn’t want to be in this skin that I was, didn’t want to be the woman that any man would look at and smile and then pass some stupid compliments to make her blush, I didn’t want to be the woman who has to grow thin and old serving a man and his household while he does “nothing”, no, I didn’t even want to be a woman, so, I hated it so much! And, how could I be a feminist then? When it seems we have opposing insights, uh?

Well, I tell you, like I said, the simple truth is: the whole concept of feminism being about loving yourself for who you are and battling some people for their sphere is total bullshit! It is really, in essence, hating women! Yeah, it is for those who hate being women! We hate being women and we hate the men for being who we ought to be, and so, we push it to the forefront like it is actually “loving being women”, so we can find some confidence in ourselves and feel better about our “self-hated” selves, because it’s what seems most logically convincing to invite people into embracing that ideology. You get my point?
I want to be a man, I want to be like a man, but, I can never be a man, but, I can be like a man.
Why should he be lucky to be a man? Why should I only be “like” while he’s the real thing?
Those are the real questions behind the whole feminism thing: envying males for being males, forgetting the unique essence in being females.
Okay, here is a simple question that should clear the air: why is it “what a MAN can do, a woman can do better”? Why has the man being made the standard for measuring the power of a woman? Why has the man become what the entire story of our successes or failures revolves around? Why can a woman not just do her thing and be better at it, why must we be envious of the man so much that we want to take from them all of what makes them “men”? And, even so, even after everything, have we finally found that equality? Have we found the joy we claim to seek?
How did I come to realize this truth? And well, how did I stop hating my nature and instead appreciating it?

Let’s have another piece for that, in shaa Allah. And to round this up, I will remind us that the One who created us definitely created us in the best possible way, and, if nothing else, that is enough reason for us to get cool in our skin and rise to the altitude in our “respective” spheres. There are tons of things men should be envious of women for, if only we think them through and appreciate them as we ought to… I fell in love with my nature and I thanked Allah for helping me to realize that truth before it was too late. Make sure to search within your soul and come to terms with your personal misgivings…