Here is a list of five things you should never have in your life:
Self-Doubt: this definitely tops the list as it remains the most dangerous of self-destructive tools, and hence, should never be condoned in any form. Self-doubt is a phenomenon that refers to the crazy thump in your chest, the nag in your head, the anxiety in your being, and all else that questions your ability to carry out a particular endeavour, and yes, it emanates from the self. Self-doubt is one of those things you don’t deserve and should never have, because, it remains the root of failure and dissatisfaction: no matter how far you go, you will never see the good in yourself, and, no matter how much people believe in you, you will never believe in yourself, and so, you will never feel the joy of fulfillment or have the courage to ever take on great steps.
Have you ever heard the line: whatever it is, don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you do not deserve what you want? If you have never, now you have, and, that is telling you in plain terms to always go for what you want, no matter how “big” you think it is; if you can do the work, you can have the pay! Also, remember that “whatever you can see in your mind, you can have in your hands”, so, now you know you can shoot for the moon, right?
Don’t just shoot though, believe you can really get there! That is the whole essence of this: strip yourself of those nagging demons that rise everywhere in your head whenever you set out on a beautiful course, take them far away from you for they don’t have a place in your life… trust and believe in yourself!
Self-Blame: this is yet another destructive instrument that should never have a place in your life, and still, many of us are unable to find our ways around it. First off, know that you are only human and as such, are liable to making mistakes, like any and everyone else. Everyone you see has done some things in the past that they wish they either hadn’t done at all or done the way they did it, made some choices they wish could be undone, gone places they wish they never went… the list is endless as to the extent of the unavoidability of making some wrong decisions as humans: I tell you again, it is perfectly normal!
Self-blame forces you to wallow in regrets with all the accusatory daggers pointing at just you as responsible for your own misery, and, it makes you feel like you do not deserve forgiveness or any good: does that ring a bell with you?
If it does, then, you definitely know it is not something that should be allowed to stay with you, in any form at all. You should always be willing to take responsibility for whatever wrongs you commit, but, that should be all; never more! Taking responsibility for your fault is admitting that you are wrong and taking steps towards redemption: but, self-blame only keeps you feeling guilty and evil, ensuring you always feel bad about yourself and never attempt to reach for your dreams again; which is very unfair to you, right?
The point here is FORGIVENESS! Forgive yourself for all the bad you’ve committed, forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, forgive yourself for all the imperfections you’ve gathered over the years, forgive yourself for all the points where your stick falls short, forgive yourself for all the emotions you’ve wasted on people who never returned them, forgive yourself for all the time you’ve wasted, forgive yourself for everything, for only then will you be able to really move on and away from the clutches of the shadows of the past, only then will you be able to see the good in you and seek to bless the world with its manifestations.
You were wrong, but, you are not evil… never forget that!
Unattainable Goals: it is beautiful to dream high and beautiful, and, it is very much encouraged. However, there is a limit to everything: remember you’re only human and can only do just as much you can do.
Your goals should be set based on your abilities, interests, passion, aptitude, attitude, and values; all of these combine to help you set realistic and self-motivating goals, as much as you want. Otherwise, you set the bar too high for yourself, chasing dreams way out of your league, and having goals that are not attainable for your person. This is usually a product of inadequate knowledge of self, coupled with overwhelming feeling of envy for others, pressure from family and significant others, prejudice of the society towards certain professions and goals, among others: you set your standards based on the perceptions and achievements of others, neglecting the most important element in the actualization of your set goals; which is YOU.
The outcome of having unachievable goals do not need to be listed, we all know the feeling of emptiness and worthlessness that comes with “failure”, whether or not it was deserved or not. Yes, I stated earlier that you deserve whatever it is that you want and are ready to work for, and, this is not negating that in any way, it is only adding a key factor, which is “adequate knowledge of self” in setting the bar for yourself.
Many students dream of being medical doctors, and that is really beautiful and achievable, but, you will agree with me that it needs to come with the right prerequisites: a student who gets scared at the sight of blood would never do well as a medical student, would he? Just as a student who hates mathematics and knows he is deficient in it should never dream of being an accountant, and, a student who is naturally quiet and lacks vigour to argue his points in the face of opposition should not dream of being a lawyer… does that clarify the point for us? It is not saying to not dream big, it is saying to dream big as appropriate for you!
This point would leave us yet again with the saying: the fish would live its entire life believing it is stupid if its ability is tested with flying instead of swimming: know your potentials and seek to maximally harness them correctly! Don’t set your trap wrong and then blame its inability to catch the right animals on something else: set it right!
Unhealthy Competition: now, this is yet another major setback that many of us have found ourselves fully immersed in, which should never have been in our lives at all. Competitions are healthy when they push you towards betterment, and they become unhealthy when they push you towards hate and insecurity.
It is always beautiful to put yourself beside others and see how you measure up, so that you can identify what makes them better and you can improve yourself, for yourself. However, the world has gone far away from that, and competitions now work to only incite rage against your “rivals” and insecurity about your own footings: this should never be allowed to settle, and, if it already has, now is the time to discard it!
Life is not about who is better at it, it shouldn’t be, life is supposed to be about what ways you can contribute to make things better for yourself and others, and, that would allow everybody the freedom to contribute their own best in their different unique ways. This is to tell you to stop comparing yourself to others in order to find accomplishment; do what you enjoy doing and always improve yourself in it! Find joy in giving what you can rather than in giving what another person cannot: we have different gifts and potentials, and, we should be allowed to explore our individuality maximally.
Unhealthy competition hinders growth, and, it should never have a place in your beautiful life; okay?
Even if no other person sees it, you are great in your own sphere, so long as it gives you gladness and contentment!
Toxic Relationships: this does not refer only to relationships where your life is threatened, it refers to any and every relationship that does not allow you the freedom to be the best you can be; psychologically, socially, emotionally, academically, vocationally, and even physically. Toxic relationships are usually results of our willingness to accept and adore anyone at all who offers us friendship, whether or not our views on life and dreams align or not: we do not know the importance of companionship, and so, we allow anybody in.
This is not to say that you should not appreciate everybody who is willing to be your friend, of course, it is saying that you should know the limits to set with every single one of them, depending on how compatible you are on different levels. On the other end of the same branch, this is to tell you that you deserve every good life has got to offer, and even though you wouldn’t be taking anyone for granted, you should never feel as though a particular person’s presence in your life is a favour or a sacrifice on their part, which would then force you to always be willing to do anything to keep them: that is unfair to your good nature, and, you should not do it!
Toxic relationships should not have a place in your life, you should never keep them no matter what! This point emphasizes your ASSERTIVENESS! You should never be forced to say “YES” when you have to say “NO”; be bold enough to stand for yourself how and when you should. If there is a friend you have who never encourages your dream, motivate you towards getting better, compliment your good nature, runs you down in public or private, belittles your sacrifices and accomplishments, tells you to not go after what you want for they believe you cannot get it: you know a bad friend when you see one, and, you should love yourself enough to put garbage in its rightful place; no offense.
You have enough anxiety and insecurity to deal with on your own, and, the people around you should never be compounding that: they would like you to view things from the many possible perspectives, and that’s okay, but, you can tell the difference when someone is telling you “be wise” as advice and “be wise” as insult. This requires some level of maturity too, to know when you should leave the table where respect is no longer being served. No matter who they are, no matter how high and mighty they are, they have no business running you down if they are indeed who you think they are to you.
Get it straight and set it right.
These five things should definitely have no place in your life, and, if you are already accommodating them, for your own good and sanity, show them to their rightful place.
Mubassirah Bint Solih
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