It is very uncommon to hear this term, and, on some levels, a lot of us would choose to believe it is because it's either it doesn’t exist, or, the rate of its occurrence is significantly minute as compared with the incidents of wife abuse. However, does the significant reduction lower the effects of the abuse on the victims?
Like statistics reveal on sexual abuse of male children and adults, domestic abuse of husbands do not get the due attention it deserves as a social menace, due to certain reasons that have made our society into a prejudiced one that typically ignores the emotional needs and circumstantial weaknesses of the male species.
Have you ever wondered why it is always just issues of husband abusing his wife that top the headers on social media? Have you ever stopped to wonder what could be responsible for such assaults that would lead to a woman coming out to seek public sympathy and aid “against” a tyrannical husband? From a different angle: what would your reaction be to an account of a man who shares the stories of how his wife “oppresses” him in a marriage with you? What would you say to him?
I know, we have been quite unfair for quite long, and, I wouldn’t say that is entirely anyone’s fault: women just tend to be naturally weak with emotions, and, we tend to normally just believe “because we’re weak, it has to be the fault of the man that his wife is suffering”, thereby, ignoring the “secret” needs that the man might need to “save” himself from the “suffocating cage”. A home where you do not have the peace you desire, no matter how hard you try and sacrifice to make that happen, is called what?
We have heard more than enough of husbands beating up their wives for no reason, blackmailing them emotionally and all manners of degrading abuse you could think of, yes, and we have done more than enough trying to set the records straight and putting those “men” in their places: women deserve to be respected and given all of the love they can be given in the whole wide world; a man is not complete as a man if he doesn’t know the value of his wife. Men don’t really “need” love, right? They are so much above that…
That is just where the problem actually starts: we don’t understand the fact that men are humans too, and, humans have innate needs for love and companionship; do we then say that we expect men to not have those feelings? Anyone of us would actually question the “manliness” of any man who “allows” his wife to step all of over him in disrespect, and as such: it becomes extra difficult for any man to open up to anyone about such anomaly going on within the locked doors of his matrimonial home, because, well, men naturally take pride in their “confidence”, while women take pride in their “lack of it”. I know, that may not settle down with a lot of us; we all take pride in our confidence and probably live depending greatly on it. However, on some levels, we agree that it is from the nature of men that they can control and handle their homes on their own with their wives and children submitting willfully to their rule, while, the woman on the other hand, takes pride in that submission to the husband; with all things being equal and normal of course.
It must be glaring now where the first problem stems from: everyone believes the woman is the submissive one, and, as such, is the one who can be “abused” and deserving of our support and pity against the “tyranny” of a man. The man who is in control of the home is the only one who can abuse his power, right? Since the woman doesn’t even have it anyway… then, what happens when this turns around? When the man no longer handles that, what becomes of the home? And then, how easy is it for the man to seek help from anyone when the situation turns around?
You may be very lucky to have a very great husband who readily does all of what is expected of him as a husband and more, but, do you know that is yet another means for you to be abusing him without you actively taking note?
Let’s highlight a few ways you might be abusing your husband without you realizing:
Abusing Priviledges: it is okay for that to happy once in a while, or, as often as you’re both okay with it in your marriage (there’s nothing that is better for you than what is both naturally agreed by you and your partner as “okay”), which is just fine. However, women tend to take the men who offer them assistance too often for granted (now, that’s not actually to say that men should offer their women assistance less often of course, we can always get by our affairs the best way possible), it is just in “human” nature (not just woman), and, by extension, we start to see it as an extension of the man’s role, when “benefits” start to appear to us as “responsibilities”.
Ingratitude: that is just a natural response from the first point, right? We become ungrateful when we stop seeing his help as help and instead make them his “assumed” responsibilities. However, ingratitude goes far beyond that, we all know but probably just don’t stay conscious of it. The Prophet mentioned this one of the reasons women would be much in the fire of hell, remember? Now, that probably informs us of its magnitude.
We should appreciate them for fulfilling their duties too, you know? Just how that extra thanks with a smile from him when you serve him a sumptuous meal is more than enough to make you forget the stress you went through in turning the raw food ingredients to that beautifully-made meal: that’s carrying out your responsibilities as a wife too, right? So, now, you understand why a sincere appreciation, for even very little things, is very important in your marriage, right?
If you have gotten so lax that you have continually taken your husbands good gestures for granted, then, do you admit that you have been cheating him for that long, dear wife? Wouldn’t you surprise him by picking up that attitude starting now? It doesn’t cost you a thing, but, it blesses your world so much more than any amount could ever get you!
Mocking him: don’t say it was a joke or any such, every words that come out of your mouth matter a great deal to that man who really loves you. Reminds of this line “put yourself in their shoes”, yeah, imagine it was him who was making a joke and says something about how “fat” you’ve grown, how “lazy” you are in house cleaning, and the likes, what would you feel at that moment? Even if it was “definitely” not true, wouldn’t you wonder for a bit long if that was actually what he really thought of you? And how much would it hurt you? Very much, right? Especially coming from your husband, right?
It is only fair that we start to recognize the feelings of the men in our lives and help them to lower their guards around us (it doesn’t have to be with the whole world, but, when they’re with us as their wives, then, definitely, they’ve got to stop being that “bossman” except when situations call for it). So, yes, please, always speak good to your husband, always compliment him, always feel free about conveying those sweet words and compliment to him, without feeling like you ever have to twist it and make it seem like he’s not so important to you after all: who knows? What if that moment would remain in his mind forever or for long at least?
Discussing him: the fact that your man is “good” or “bad” as compared to some “man” based on some “criteria” is enough reason for you to keep it to yourself, okay? You don’t want to go “advertising” your luck and maybe unintentionally breaking some hearts and making some people envious in the process, do you? And yes, you have to preserve his secrets and not “tarnish” his image before people, do you? Whatever the situation is, you have absolutely no right discussing your husband with ANYBODY except and unless it is “necessary” (and, if we will be really honest with ourselves, we know when that necessary is sincere and when it is not). Anything short of that, you have been abusing your husband, whether or not he knows about it, whether or not he feels bad about it, and whether or not he has rebuked you about it. So, who is worth carrying tales about your husband to?
Starve him: okay, you’re wondering which one? Okay, I tell you, either ways! Yeah, you have absolutely no right under any circumstance to starve your man! Don’t get me wrong though, some situations might warrant you staying away from his bed or kitchen, but, it should never be as a punishment! Never! We all know what we know, and, we all know how we play those games of ours, so, let’s be fair to ourselves and them. It is a different thing when your husband decides to relieve you of some stress by taking over duties in the kitchen for some time (a part of the day or a whole day or more), but, when he “has” to tie the apron and light a gas “because” his wife is upset and has chosen to abandon some (or all) of her wifely duties which include services in both rooms, then, you have really rethink the whole thing. Stop abusing that gentle man!
Shouting at him: I feel like using shouting “on” him here, because, by all rights, it feels like just what is happening. You know your husband is this gentleman who doesn’t like trouble (I’m not calling you a troublesome woman actually), and eww, he hates noise too (I’m not calling you noisy or lousy either), so, you choose to do exactly what you know he hates most when you’re upset at him or you have understanding issues. Well, even if he is someone who doesn’t feel uncomfortable raising his voice at you too (which doesn’t make sense either), it doesn’t give you the liberty to exchange banters with him. Yeah, this reminds me of the Yoruba line “t’enikan ba j’ewure, k’enikan j’aguntan” (literally: if someone is the goat, the other should be the sheep. Practically, when someone is angry, the other should be calm). No matter how difficult it is, always remember that your husband is your crown, and the Prophet said that the husband can either be your Jannah or your Nahr (since marriage is half your faith anyway), and, if nothing else, keeping that reality at the top of your mind would definitely assist you to always remain submissive to him. So, is there a way a submissive individual would ever raise her voice on the one she is submissive to? That is turning around and abusing your husband, woman!
Reproaching him: I definitely grew up being disgusted at this unnecessary exhibition of “feminine trait” (as the people around here term it)! I have never seen the sense in it: why offer an assistance you would eventually render void by reminding your benefactor of that help in a bid to make him feel little, right? We know it is not your responsibility to spend of your money on the expenses of the home, but, did anyone say it is an assistance that would tie him to your wrapper? Okay, let’s put him a bit nicely, does your offer of help have to turn him to the wife while you become the head of the family? You may need to revisit the story of Khadeejah and the Prophet as a couple, my dear sister.
Learn to do whatever you do for your husband and your home for the sake of Allah, like you do for everyone else: don’t expect it to win you a special place in his heart that would keep him enslaved to you (or any such). Any sane man would appreciate it and always remember your favours (we’re humans after all), but, it wouldn’t stop him from being a man, and you shouldn’t expect such from him. If however, on a larger scale, you happen to be the one with the upper hand in terms of footing bills and the likes, you shouldn’t let it steal from you the cloak of submissiveness to your husband (because that still hasn’t reversed your positions), hence, saying belittling remarks about how useless he is or whatever shouldn’t come from you as a believing woman, no matter how hurt or upset you feel by him.
Hence, always accord him the respect due to him as Allah as accorded him. Otherwise, you might be doing more harm to him mental health than you’d ever have imagined, whilst he “dare not” open his mouth to complain. That’s a great abuse, right?
Instigating your kids against him: this is much more common that you can imagine, and, I can’t help wondering: what sort of mentality pushes women to stoop so low? You spend more time with the kids, yes, and that is just right, which you should absolutely understand why it is so. Then, should you take that as an “opportunity” to feed your kids with “bad tales” about their own father simply because you had a misunderstanding with your own husband? Or just to ensure you have a “better” place in their hearts?
Whatever your reasons, they’re not worth it, and, nothing is enough to make you ever speak ill of your husband to his children (when you’re not even supposed to speak ill of any Muslim in the first place). Save those children from that undeserved torture, please, and resolve your issues with the one you have issues with, okay? Stop abusing the rights of your husband, okay?
Comparing him with others: this might be more dangerous than you could ever imagine. It might do no harm when you begin that subtle comparison in your mind, wondering how your life would be different if you had married someone else instead of your husband, or how someone is better looking or more generous than him or whatever else your little mind picks as adventure: we all get lost in our minds sometimes. However, we must “immediately” kill off that “demon” once it rears its ugly head up, because, it only seeks to kill the joy in your marriage. If, however, you pursue these comparisons, and whether or not you allow it to influence your attitude towards your husband, you are already abusing that man! Did someone say that a woman wouldn’t do that if the husband satisfies her enough? Then, I ask: can anyone ever satisfy another person every other time? Aren’t there times that even you feel disappointed with yourself? And you expect a man to “always” keep you happy and satisfied so that your mind wouldn’t stray?
We don’t live in an ideal world, but, really, a lot of things would have been possible and much easier if only our society was ideal. But, what to do? We have to make do with that which we have and make the best out of it, right? Whatever you do, whatever he does, don’t ever compare him with someone else who is not HIM!
Raising your hands on him: something like “save the best for the last” or should it be save the worst for the last in this situation? I don’t know, but, I don’t think this is actually the worst… it is the most “open” abuse of one’s husband after all, more than the other nine. Why would a woman ever raise a hand on a man who is her own husband? I don’t see the sense in it, but still, it happens, and, by Allah, it is inappropriate. And, as much as we are against domestic violence, nothing exempts the man from being a victim too! let us all fear Allah, sisters! I wouldn’t speak much on this since it is acutely clear, and, we only have to implore all who happen to do it to desist and make amends where necessary and possible.
Finally, I have written this piece, and, I hope it meets everyone in good faith. At some points, I felt like I was deviating, actually advicing my fellow women instead of addressing the issue of husband abuse (what can I do? After all, I am a woman and I cannot cheat that nature), but, then, I feel it is just as well, because, rather than dwelling on the problem, it is more essential that we draw the attention of everyone to the possible means of abusing a husband (which many of don’t actually take note of: even men who are victims!), so that we can all begin to avoid them, or, stop them if we already do them.
May Allah protect our marriages and bless all singles with the best of spouses too: aameen.
BarakaaLlahu feekunna.
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