Most of us have issues trusting ourselves with love. Chill, it’s probably not what you’re thinking… I mean, we all have hard times bringing our ill feelings to limelight, sharing our misgivings with “others”, because, we actually feel unsure in our insecurity and feel it binding upon us to keep the whole “bad vibes” in so that we don’t “bother” the “others” or come up as weak and “pathetic” (how much I hate that word! And, yeah, I know, most of us do what we do against our own selves because we don’t want anyone to attach that word to our persons).
Quite all right, we have gotten to the point where we understand and admit the fact that every single soul walking the surface of the earth has their own “fair” share of problems (you might have issues with the definition of fair, which is okay, but, if you have issues with the whole concept of everyone fighting their own battles, then, we probably need to address that more seriously). On normal grounds, fine, we have accepted that fact, but, we have still not overcome the shame that accompanies that sinking feeling we get in the pit of our bellies when we are hit hard by life blows, the awful excruciating pain that accompanies our falls against the rock bottom, the silence we force in our souls while battling those inner demons… somebody might be understanding why it’s a tad bit difficult to ever combat depression being a social menace for real, uh? Yeah, because, as much as it is about you being willing to listen to someone share some deep secrets of their weaknesses and need for help with you, it’s about that someone being as willing to open up and admit to those woes and shortcomings of theirs: which we hardly ever want to do as individuals.
We have agreed that problems are unavoidable, but, we are yet to agree that problem-sharing helps a great deal, right? Oh no, some of us are past that point, but, we just haven’t been able to agree that it doesn’t reduce our worth as dignified human beings to share our problems with “others” and seek their assistance in overcoming them, instead of keeping them all in and killing ourselves faster by bottling it all up.
On a very narrow scale, this article is actually for those of us who are rocked harder by the emotional waves that’s affecting the mental wellbeing… it is a lot easier to talk to someone about problems they can “see” for themselves, you know? Talk of being broke (financially), having a sprained knee (physically), having a medical condition, and the likes. But, it’s a tad bit harder coming down to the emotional ladder: anybody get the gist here? They are the “dark secrets” we clutch really close to our hearts and keep our lips sealed tight on, because, most times, we don’t feel our emotions are actually validated, or that we can bring “others” to understand what’s actually beyond words.
We all have some insecurities about our individual selves: you think you’re too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too whatever you may think of. I know, it’s actually not “all of us”, but, everyone on this table knows this is not something “abstract”. Even those who are actually not “on the table” can relate to some levels because we now have a bit more understanding of what “inferiority complex” is all about (somewhat), and that is really great. Again, those insecurities actually stem from different situations and interactions; they get worse or better with the passage of time, and, with the formation of more or less bonds.
Many of us are actually more concerned about our physique because of more intimate interactions than casual or tight friendships, we bury the source of the concern which is actually “marriage”, because, we didn’t quite get that well-positioned from the onset in our upbringing. It is not something we ever want to bring up, they’re the unpopular topics, we prefer to keep them stuffed up in the dark they spurred from: we can’t have anyone know that we have such insecure feelings about our own bodies and persons, and, that’s very much understandable. The reasons are out there in the open for everyone to see, but no, they can’t see “why” it would be a source of concern for you because they’re not in your shoes. And, you can’t blame them for not feeling what they’re not feeling, can you? You find it difficult to mention your thoughts about such fears, but, you keep getting thrown by the influences of those fears, and still?
Someone will say this is more of psychological than emotional, right? Yeah, it is just that everything affecting your psychological process tends to stem from your emotional processes, and this is an essential case of one, so, yes, let’s take the root for a discuss: what you think about yourself.
We have heard more than enough about being proud of who you are and loving yourself for who you are, and yes, we are really trying hard to start embracing ourselves for all of the good and the bad, changing ourselves for the better and accepting the flaws that we cannot change. But, what happens when after a whole long process of convincing myself that I’m actually okay this way, that I’m amazing just the way I am, that someone out there is going to accept and appreciate me for all of those flaws and weaknesses and they’re going to be proud to be a part of my life… what happens when after I get hold of a fragile rein that lends me a fleeting hope, I am forced to go back and reconsider the assumption that loving myself was enough to make anyone appreciate me?
It is difficult to get it out, so, we appreciate it when someone steps up and kind of “speak my mind” so that we feel that our feelings are actually valid and we’re not so “weird” and “different” for having those fears and feelings. Truth is: we care about marriage, we deeply care about getting married and being loved and appreciated by our spouses! We all do! And, when you have those extra personal insecurities about how you look? It makes it harder! We all know this, we just might not readily admit it to our consciousness, but, it’s there, somewhere in our subconscious, it’s really lurking there in that dark. We are afraid of being laughed at on account of our bodies, we are afraid of being mocked for being on either the “lack” or “surplus” end, and that fear could get validated a few many times.
I know a number of dear friends who have had quite a number of marriage proposals fail due to this issue: you’re not my ideal woman type. Somebody might laugh and say “really?”, but really, I tell you, it’s not funny. Let me get to talking to the people who are really my focus here:
I won’t stop telling you to believe that you’re amazing just the way you are, and, that is because, I honestly believe it is so. I honestly believe that Allah created us all in the most beautiful and perfect ways that suit our individual persons. Also, I won’t stop telling you to keep loving yourself… it might be hard to believe that anybody would actually love you for who you are after “many” failed attempts, but… loving yourself is not “all” that you need to make someone love and accept you for who you are, but, it is the most essential thing if you would honestly ask yourself too. You have to love yourself enough to believe in yourself that you’re deserving of not just anyone, but, someone who is great and awesome enough to be deserving of you.
It is not just about physical attributes now, let’s encompass all of the deals that could be making you feel like a failure with “love”, leaving you with the feeling of “unwanted”, “unlovable”, and whatever; it all starts with what you think of yourself but it doesn’t end there.
You need to understand the fact that everybody has got their own unique “tastes”, just like you have yours too (don’t bother raising a brow here, it would be nice if you’d get a bit more honest and fair with yourself), and that would help you to accept some “rejections” and/or “failures” a bit more nicely. You have probably only being coming across the “wrong” persons all the while, yeah, people who have tastes that you don’t fit, and, that shouldn’t say that you’re someone who’s not going to fit anybody’s taste (that’s impossible, not near-impossible, so get it off your mind right now if you’ve made yourself sunk down there). It’s usually not about “you”, but, it’s about “them”, about the picture they’ve set for themselves, about the qualities and features they appreciate: do you ever appreciate vanilla and chocolate alike? I doubt it. Would you then say one is better and the other is worse? I doubt that too. It’s all dependent on individual tastes: one man’s food is another man’s poison, they say.
Next, with the realization on point number two, we need to be very “PATIENT”. As simple as the word sounds, it is very difficult to practice, especially in cases such as this. The good news is just that it will definitely be worth it in the beautiful end. You need to be very patient and hold up the respect for yourself, keep growing in love for your being, keep learning more about your person so that your love wouldn’t stop growing and you wouldn’t stop improving on the necessary aspects of your being. This would really help in making you the best version of the woman-for-me when he finally gets to realize the beauty in your nature and gets lucky enough to successfully marry you! You want to make sure he has his worth and never regrets making that choice, don’t you? You waited long so you’d definitely make the best go at this, right? Yeah, I know, he loves you for who you are (finally, somebody isn’t blind: apologies, I ain’t calling anyone blind actually, just, you know), and you want to make sure he keeps falling more deeply in love as he finds out more about you.
The whole advice and encouragement thing might seem theoretical and all, I know, it’s really hard battling feelings of insecurity that you know no other person can actually relate with except you, and that is why the bulk of the work lies upon you! Friends would be awesome in boosting your self-confidence too: girlfriends are especially awesome when it comes to uplifting your spirit after a marriage proposal gets flopped and you’re, well, back to the single and searching department. You don’t ever need to “act” like it’s okay until it actually really is “okay”, so, keep friends who’d help you to really act all the stupid mess you’d need to release to really be “okay”, and then, proudly pick your baton again and head your race.
“You’re not having a problem because you’re you, no, you’re having a problem because you’re human, and every human goes through some bumps!”
Definitely, when the time is right, the man for you is going to show up and proudly make you his wife, and then, he’d probably spend the rest of his life praising his Lord for blessing him with such a wonderful woman (now, you see why you have to really be that wonderful woman for him? Even though he’s actually being a bit late: well, no, by Allah, he is just keeping the right time). So, yeah, you’re going to listen to him praise your beauty with such sincerity you’d wonder why you used to beat yourself up over those past few years he hadn’t shown up, and, I tell you, he wouldn’t just tell you that you’re the most amazing woman and his very best choice he wouldn’t ever make the mistake of not picking you if he was asked to choose over and again, he wouldn’t tell you just because he “has” to say it, but, he will tell you all of that and more because he deeply “feels” it as the overwhelming beautiful truth!
Last question though: have you ever seen a woman who remains “unable” to marry till the end of life because she was too thin/fat/tall/short/flat/surplus?
If you know one, kindly share with me, let me learn. Otherwise, we are assured that there’s definitely someone made for every someone, so, why won’t we be glad and stay hopeful in our quest for love?
