MY PRIDE IN SUBMISSION by Mubassirah Bint Solih

Sequel to that piece...
Does anyone remember the questions I ended the previous part (How Much I Hated Being a Woman) with?
If feminism is aimed at making women better and more self-confident, why has “man” being made the standard for measuring the power of a woman? After everything, have we (women) being able to find the equality we have been fighting decades for and derive joy in it? And, personally, how did I come to realize the truth about feminism so that I could stop hating my nature and appreciate it instead?
Feminism has gained so much popularity, especially among the womenfolk, in the last few decades, and well, many of us subscribe to some of their subtle ideologies, even if we don’t actually come out to proclaim that label before the world. We all know why that movement is selling so fast? It is because we are gullible and ignorant! These people know it, they know how much we love to “blind-follow”, seeing whatever comes from “there” without subjecting it to our mental assessment on the logical scale, so long as it appeals to our emotions.

On a neutral ground, let us subject the concept of feminism to a sincere analysis and see if our claims on it being to attain equality will come out true and praiseworthy.
I never researched the roots of feminism before deciding it was just the “home” I had long craved; it presented me a chance to fight against the cultural inequalities and rigid gender roles, which I grew up despising. However, I had to be quiet and nurse my ambition in silence, waiting for the time when I’ll finally be able to “confront” everyone about how evil their oppression was on the girl child.

The first time I came across the word “feminism” was in a book about rape. I had so much interest in sexual abuse and violence, because it was a menace that we were not allowed to discuss in “real life”, despite the fact that we could all see “some girl who got molested by some man”, and, I needed to know why it was just “us” who get to bear the hurt in silence. It felt really unfair that we couldn’t talk either, pretending that it was not actually happening right beside us. The depth of my hatred for men was what I lived on for more than 12 solid years; none of them could be trusted, not even my own family! There was no way I could share those thoughts with anyone around, so, I searched for answers in books, and yes, I eventually found it. Reading that first book helped me to understand the “animalistic” instincts in “men”, how much women have suffered for ages at the hands of men, and finally, it gave me the hope that “we” can all unite to put a stop to those “oppressions”, as our “foremothers” have fought their way through them in the past, paving the path for us. It was indeed beautiful to know that I wasn’t crazy after all: these were women who shared my dreams! We have to put men in their rightful place!

I started to nurture my dreams, and, I would never submit to any man, not even if my life depended on it! I found two of the websites that were exclusively for feminists and subscribed to them, so that I could actively follow everything and add my voice to make a “change”, in the virtual world. My life’s greatest goal was to stand up for every oppressed woman, and, in so doing, I had to see every man as a “potential molester”, who can only be subdued when we have “more” power. That was all I knew that got me started on that path…
Feminism began as a movement in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, in America, with her 1st wave having the major goal of overturning legal inequalities, focusing particularly on issues of women’s suffrage. The second wave targeted resolving cultural inequalities, gender norms, and roles of women in the society, in order to protect the dignity, intelligence and basic human potential of the female sex. On the sexuality and reproduction rights, feminists thrashed the “Miss America Pageant”, adjudging it as a quest to make women objects of beauty dominated by a patriarchy that fought to keep them in the homes or in dull low-paying jobs.

Martha Rampton, a professor of history and director of the center for Gender Equity at Pacific University, explained that the third wave of feminism, which I (and many of us in this generation) was introduced to, destabilized many constructs, including notions of “universal womanhood”, body, gender, sexuality and heteronormativity. An aspect of the third wave feminism that mystified the mothers of the earlier feminist movement was the re-adoption of the very lip-stick, high-heels, and cleavage proudly exposed by low cut necklines that the first two phases of the movement identified with male oppression.

This must be something a lot of us do not know: the current wave of feminism which prides in “wanton display” of females opposes the “ideal liberation” fought for by the people who pushed “feminism” to the forefront, which they believed was “objectifying the woman as a beauty”, and by extension “a sex symbol”. The very ideology we felt was beautiful, giving us “freedom” to appear to the world in whatever we wanted as men have, regardless of the differences there existed in our “anatomies” and “physiologies”. Martha Rampton continues to say that, indeed, the third wave feminism breaks boundaries, arguing that we do not need “feminism” anymore, as they pushed back against their “mothers” (with grudging gratitude) the way children push away from their parents in order to achieve the much needed independence. This wave supports equal rights, but does not have a term like feminism to articulate that notion.

At this point, I was going to say that the third wave of feminism combat the first two and subdued them, with the emergence of the fourth wave of feminism still being a captivating silhouette, but, Martha proceeds to say this is not so. In her words: “the second wave of feminism ought not to be characterized as having failed, nor was glitter all that it generated. Quite the contrary; many goals of the second wave were met: more women in positions of leadership, in higher education, business and politics, abortion rights, access to the pill that increased women’s control over their bodies, more expression and acceptance of female sexuality, general public awareness of the concept of and need for the “rights of women” (though not fully achieved), a solid academic field in feminism, gender and sexuality studies, greater access to education, organizations and legislation for the protection of battered women, women’s support groups and organizations (like NOW and AAUW; both of which I was a member of), an industry in the publication of books by and about women/feminism, public forums for the discussion of women’s rights, and a societal discourse at the popular level about women’s suppression, efforts for reform, and a critique of patriarchy…”
While we may have wanted to agree that the “goals” of the first and second wavers “made sense” and really sought to protect the rights of women, the actualization of these goals in the time of the fourth wavers prove it otherwise; having women in leadership positions, legalizing abortion, provision of pills that allows a woman to fornicate endlessly without fears of getting pregnant or seeing sex as a “duty” to the man rather than a “pleasure”, freedom to express and explore her “sexuality” without fears… the list is endless after all. So, where is the sense?
It is recognized that women are being cheated by men, and, we need to seek “liberation”. However, is this the liberation we need? This one pushed for through feminism?
I never had the luxury of weighing those options until I stopped being a feminist: I realized the hypocrisy along the way, I got tired of always living in competition with a demon I cannot even see, I accepted the truth of what I lacked and what I had, and, I learnt to appreciate those truths.

“Men are not your enemies as feminism presents it to you” was a thought that hit my mind one fateful day as I wondered how far is the time when I will be able to stand to the world and admit my beliefs to them without fear or shame, reflecting on how it is always “us” and “them”. I know a few really nice men outside of my family, but, my thought used to be that they all want one thing when they’re nice that way: lol, you know what.
Every single time I hear of a new rape case, my heart breaks and it feels like I have failed in my mission, and men are only being the animals they actually really are. Then, came that day I heard of the rape case of a young man… words cannot explain correctly how I felt that day. I had to go on Facebook and express my shock: of course, I had no “courage” using the word “feminism” since nobody around me was using it. Long story cut short, that was the incidence that brought me closest to the truth.
Learning about Sunnah really helped, not in a little way, because, only then did I get the full picture: this is where we ought have come from the very beginning! Islam is where we can get our full rights in the right ways, without having to risk anything. Dare I start on how much this liberty to showcase cleavages has destroyed our “protection” and furnished the very problem of sexual assaults which we seek to solve through feminism? We try to kill a demon by snatching its egg which will grow into an even more dangerous demon?

The truth always has its way with our hearts, such that, if you are really honest, you wouldn’t be able to deny it: that was just what happened with me. AlhamduliLlah. It was easy for me to get the relationship and unveil the truth I had stayed blinded to all along: feminism is a hoarse, the inconsistency in the values and goals is more than enough reason for us to question its credibility after all. Islam ensures legal equity, erases cultural inequality, clarifies gender norms, and ensure that you get the respect due to you as a woman, in every situation.
Feminism is no place for any sane woman to be: how could you enjoy being a pseudo-man when you can proudly be an awesome woman? Well, pseudo because you can never be a man no matter how hard you try; physically, socially, psychologically, emotionally. You may want to argue that you’re not trying to be a man, but, I’ll ask: when you take up the job of a man in an effort to show him that you can do it “too”, what is that you are doing? Cross-carpeting? It is high time we all searched deep within our souls to unlock the truth: feminism asks that we fight against “nature” and not just against “men”.

Nature is how Allah made it, nature is what made it “us” who will carry pregnancies and deliver babies, nature is what made it “us” who will be fitnah for “them” and need to be covered, nature is what made it “us” who are easily emotionally and thus need to have “them” as leaders, nature is what made it “them” who will work and foot the bills, nature is what made it “us” who need to be submissive to “them”. So, who is kidding who in seeking to establish “equality” that nature didn’t make?
It is Islam that teaches you to respect yourself, starting from honouring your body by concealing it from the gaze of every “interested” stray pair of eyes, then, admitting the weakness in the nature of men which necessitates the various rulings regarding intermingling, casual body contacts, listening to lewd music, watching movies, and the likes. It is Islam that teaches you to respect yourself by not taking up more than you can naturally handle as the “weaker” gender: now, that’s not a shame, is it? It used to be, but, not anymore! Now, I know better, and, I believe you know better too.
It means the world to me that Allah blessed me with the opportunity to really realize the truth before it was too late, so that I can take pride in my rightful place and fair distribution of roles laid down by nature, so that I can finally realize the beauty I had long ignored from among the beauties of being a woman, so that I can respect the place of a man as my rightful “protector”, so that I can stop the self-hate that radiated from the hypocrisy in my environment, so that I can accept the truth: that “evil does not have a gender” and, I can finally find my pride in submission.
In case you still doubt, feminism actually makes you question the “ordainments” of your Lord, which you are supposed to submit to without question. One of my most favorite verses of the Qur’an, which makes my mother now call me NFA and lazy, is: Q4:24, where Allah says, “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them excel the other, and, because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and their husbands)…”

Let me share the poem I wrote with this title; quite long ago though…
Nature… My Pride in Submission (Poem)
Living in competition with nature,
Like there's nothing greater in pleasure.
In a bid to achieve false equality,
We rise to challenge all that's worthy.
What a man can do, I believed,
A woman MUST do better!
Hot tears I shed when I lose to a man,
Feeling I had failed entirely as a woman!
Then came realization of my uniqueness,
Designated by my Lord, All-wise.
Reading stories of great men gone past,
Extolling the role of virtuous mothers!
Indeed, what greater honour to womanhood,
Than raising heroes from cradle?
Nay, we seek recognition in equality,
But we lose the natural respite offered in dignity!

Finally, my heart found peace,
Filled with pride upon knowing my true purpose.
And now I say, what a man can do,
With a woman, he does much better!
Allah says in Q24:51, “The only saying of the faithful believers, when they are called to Allah and His Messenger, to judge between them, is that they say: “We hear and we obey.” And such are the prosperous ones.”
May Allah make us from among the prosperous ones: Aameen.

RIGHT BESIDE YOU by Mubassirah Bint Solih

When you look around you, people are the most likely beings you’d see… maybe many familiar faces, a few unfamiliar and strange ones… maybe people you have at one point or the other exchanged a smile, a few words, a hug, a long chat, and maybe even much deeper and lengthier conversations… so many people with whom we have varying degrees of fondness and attachment are the people right beside us… those people right beside you…
We all have issues in our lives, unresolved conflicts, unattained goals, unachieved dreams, problematic friendships and relationships, we all have it… however, like I always say; we have different thresholds for pains, different reflex responses to pain, different defense and survival mechanism; we are all so different and can never go through the same amount of pain and suffering exactly the same way…
However, it is really sad that our phones and social media has further impeded us from really seeing those right beside us… we are much more concerned about our virtual family over the net and behind the screen, so much that those who really mean most to us and look forward to us always been there get less of our attention and feel unwanted. 

How often do you think about the problems in your life? Maybe less than you normally would if you did not have a phone, right? We get the chances to laugh away our problems once we establish a beautiful bond online and surf the net for various news and updates, but, do we pay any mind to the fact that for every minute we spend online, we are denying a person in our reality the chance to even have the courage to step up to us and try to discuss the events of their lives with us?
Yes, we’ve all got some things gone wrong, we’ve got events we’d rather forget we ever experienced, we’ve all got some ups and delicate downs that we long for ways to get out of their entangling grips and shackles… all of us, yes, and every individual walking the surface of the earth, without exemption of our loved ones.

Ever pondered extensively on why they call man a social animal?
We need one another… people in that virtual world also have people in their lives they probably are ignoring just to be with you too, or, maybe not… however, it is beautiful to be able to establish great friendships over the net, but, it is much more beautiful to be able to adequately manage both worlds without comprising the more vital of the two for the more pleasurable virtual one.
You are unique as your person, but, you are like every and any other person as human on many more levels; all people you deal with have feelings and emotions too, they have strengths and weaknesses too, they have dreams and aspirations too, they have goals and preferences too, they take steps and fall with wounds too… they are just like you in those many ways and more… they have needs, like you, for someone to listen to them without reservation or fear of judgement, they need someone who’d always just be there for and with them through the difficult steps and harsh blows of life, they need someone on whose shoulders they could rest and cry on without feeling shame at all, they need someone who’d hold their hands and tell them to keep their heads up high because they remind them that their Lord is ever-ready to forgive and welcome them, they need someone who’d always strive to keep them happy and conscious of Allah, they need you, just how you need them… invariably, we have forsaken so much of what is important, in chase of the abstract world that could as well be a lie, we have chosen to all live with false dreams and lead fake lives, immersed in that which does more than a little to destroy our dignity and religion, we have chosen to step up a bit and leave behind those that matter most to us.

It is really sad to admit that almost everyone has fallen victim of this… social media is our solace, it is our diary, it is our mouthpiece, it is our most trusted pal… social media remains one of the major means of increasing frustration in individuals’ lives and pushing them towards depression, before finally leading them to that wonderfully awful gate that will be closed by themselves on themselves to fall eternally into the pit of a blazing fire, yes, the menace that has suddenly grown like a rave and become the “easy way out” for most people… Suicide!
No matter what we say or do, no matter how many intellectual and moral reasons are provided for why we shouldn’t go near suicide or consider it an escape route, it will still only just continue to “make sense” without “making changes” if we still continue to live and lead our lives this way.

Is there a way someone who is considering suicide wouldn’t have some fears and anxieties? No, there isn’t… pains blind us so much to the truth that all of the light in our eyes seek for a hole to crawl out through… now, we all have cool great friends, people other people identify us with, people we’re supposedly super cool with, right? Hmm… there are a number of people who actually don’t, “awon solo gang”, yeah, life has taught them to be just enough for themselves without seeking understanding or acceptance from anyone, propelling themselves as self-sufficient and in no need of any other person. It becomes our responsibility to help this category of people out of their shells too, teaching them to trust in friendships and relationships… but, how do we do that? When we have people who are great sociable people with quite a handful of close pals and associate commit suicide without anyone of these people suspecting anything? Why? Because friendship has been established as fake in the first place: we call ourselves friends but cannot trust one another, we bottle our emotions and clutch them desperately to our hearts, we cannot let our guards down before anyone, we feel people should only see smiles on our faces and never know that we are humans who feel down and shed tears too… how much worse could the plight get?

Depression is real; we all know this, yes, and, how have we been trying to help this situation? Help people out of their depression aside posting “suicide is not an option” everywhere? How are we trying to prevent people from getting depressed? How have we actively encouraged the  people suffering right beside us to continue fighting and living with their battles to succeed in the end? How many of us actually make time out for our loved ones? Even without anything “important” to discuss, just sitting together, making jokes, reminding ourselves of Allah and His promise of Jannah, reminding ourselves of His assurance of rewards for the servant who remains firm and patient upon trials in this world, reminding ourselves of the verse “verily, after hardship comes ease”, reminding ourselves that bad and tough times wouldn’t last forever, reminding ourselves of the magnificent view that await us in the end… how many of us will actually pick up the phone and put a call through to our “significant others” who are not too close by? How many of us will actually smile whenever we see a troubled friend or family of ours? How many us ever try to help our “significant others” to talk to us about even their innermost and deeply buried fears and insecurities without any fear of judgement or mockery or lack of confidentiality?
We tend to give a lot to distant people, establishing closer bonds with them and forgetting our real and most guaranteed affiliations… we worry so much about appearing “uncaring” to people other than those we truly sincerely love, we forget these people more often than not, we smile at distant uncertainties and refuse to see the tears shed right beside us…

Depression is on an alarming increase; a group assignment I had to present revealed such alarming reality (WHO submitted that over 300million people are living with depression; 80,000 people commit suicide annually, and that amount is just about 20% of those who actually attempt suicide yearly)…how will a person be able to go through with suicide if the people who really matter had really tried to matter for real? If nothing else, he would definitely have let something about his pain or his lack of will and strength to go on with the fight, he definitely would have let someone in on those plans of his, and, if nothing else, that person would have been able to help him in so many different ways; but, now, what do we have? Everybody is an advocate against suicide and depression only over social media! Yes, that’s why you will wake up to the shocking news of a suicide case involving a very close friend/family with whom you had only just talked and talked till probably late hours into the previous night, maybe someone who is always sharing posts and write-ups about why and how we have to hold on to the rope of hope and life and never give up on the mercy of our Lord… the most unexpected people have committed suicide and left the world without a chance to return and atone for their mistakes: death marks the end of available options at making corrections or amendments! There is only one path after the soul departs from a body: that which leads to judgement before the final destination (one out of two) is assigned to one… now, think about it: is suicide really an escape?

Right beside you, someone is tired of the challenges life keeps throwing at him and is contemplating giving it all up, expecting (probably subconsciously and without even admitting to himself that) someone should see the inner pains, sufferings and struggles, and even if they wouldn’t be able to help, they should just be able to remind them of the promise of hope and light at some end of the tunnel, that they should just come out and hug them tight and tell them to  remain faithful and trusting of the unknown which hides a more beautiful chance at life… however, where are those people right beside you? What do you “know” (not think) is going on in their lives? How do you know they are handling it? How do you know they are holding onto the rope of hope and trust that it will all be over someday and they’re gonna be okay? How do you know they are not even fed up of dealing with their problems and having to force themselves to keep smiling so you wouldn’t see the pains and tears they have carefully kept buried and don’t want the world (including you who happen to right beside them; subhanaLlah!) to see? How much do you honestly know and care about these people who are right beside you? How much do you care?

AT-TAWHEED: ONENESS OF ALLAH by AbdulGaffar Muhammed

In the name of Allah, the most beneficient, the most merciful
Tawheed is one of the pillars a true Muslim should hold firmly to, as it is contained in the first pillar of Islam as narrated in one of the Hadiths of the Prophet (peace be upon him): On the authority of Abdullahi, son of Umar (may Allah be pleased with them) that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “(The superstructure of) Al-Islam is raised on five (pillars), i.e the oneness of Allah, the establishment of Prayer, payment of Zakat, the fast of Ramadan, the Pilgrimage (to Mecca)”. Sahih Muslim

The oneness of Allah mentioned in the above Hadith simply means that Allah alone should be worshipped, and (all other gods) beside Him should be denied and rejected. We should not associate other gods with Allah because He is one; He has no partner or deputy. Quran Chapter 112 verse 1-4 says: “Say, “He is Allah, (who is) one, Allah the Eternal Refuge, He neither begets nor is begotten, And there is none comparable unto Him.”

Tawheed (oneness of Allah) is divided into three types, which are:
Tawheed al-Uloohiyyah
Tawheed ar-Ruboobiyyah
Tawheed al-Asmaa was-Sifaat

Tawheed al-Uloohiyyah:
This is giving and ascribing to Almighty Allah alone all kinds of ‘Ibadah’ (worship) whether done in public or in private in words and deeds, as well as denying ‘Ibadah’ (worship) to any other but Allah; whoever that may be. Allah said: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him” Q17:23.

It is singling out Allah with worship so that none besides Him is worshipped, so that none besides Him is called upon, so that no one is sought for rescue, or aid except Him. So that no one is sacrificed to or slaughtered for or made an oath for, except Allah alone.
Allah said: “Verily! I am Allah (none has the right to be worshipped but I, so worship me, and perform As-Salat (for my remembrance)” Q20:14. Allah said: “Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship” Q4:36. Allah said: “Say, Indeed, my prayer, my rites of sacrifice, my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds” Q6:162.

Tawheed ar-Ruboobiyyah:
It is the firm belief that Allah is the Lord of everything; He is the King, the Creator and the one who directs and controls them. That He has no partner in His Domain, that no one can question His judgement, that no one can oppose Him, that no one is equal to Him. Almighty Allah said: “Lord of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between them, so worship Him (Alone) and be constant and patient in His worship. Do you know of any who is similar to Him? (of course none is similar or co-equal or comparable to Him, and He has none as partner with Him). (There is nothing like unto Him and He is the All-Hearer, the All-Seer)” Q19:65.
Tawheed ar-Ruboobiyyah is singling out Allah the Exalted with (the actions of) creation, providing sustenance, giving life, causing death, and all of the types of regulation and administration of the heavens and the earth, and (also) singling Him out, the Exalted, with (the right to) judgement and legislation and sending of the messengers and revealing of books. Almighty Allah says in Suratu-r-Ruum “Allah is He who created you, then provided food for you, then will cause you to die, then (again) He will give you life (on the Day of Resurrection). Is there any of your (so-called) partners (of Allah) that do anything of that? Glory is to Him! And Exalted is He above all that (evil) they associate (with him)” Q30 verse 40. Allah said: “All praises and thanks are to Allah, who (alone) created the heavens and the earth, and originated the darkness and the light” Q6:1.

Tawheed al-Asmaa was-Sifaat:
This is the belief in what Allah has attributed to Himself in His Book. And what His Messenger (peace be upon him) described Him with. These Attributes are the Most Beautiful Names of Allah and the Highest Attributes. Belief in such should be without having to ask ‘how’. Allah said: “There is nothing like Him; and He is the All-Hearer, the All-Seer” Q42:11. Allah said: “No vision can grasp Him, but He Grasps all vision. He is Al-Lateef (the Most Subtle and Courteous), Well-Acquainted with all things” Q6:103.

It is describing Allah the Most High and naming Him with whatever he described and named Himself with and with whatever His Messenger (peace be upon him) described and named Him with in the authentic narrations and to affirm that for Allah without resemblance (to the creation) or likening (to the creation) and without (false) interpretation (of any of that) or negation (of any of that). There is nothing like Him and He is the All-Hearer, the All-Seer. Allah said: “Say (O Muhammed (peace be upon him)) “Invoke Allah or invoke the Most Gracious (Allah), by whatever name you invoke Him (it is the same), for to Him belong the Best Names” Q17:110. Allah said: “He is Allah, other than whom there is no deity, Knower of the unseen and the witnessed. He is the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful. He is Allah, other than whom there is no deity, the Sovereign, the Pure, the Perfection, the Bestower of Faith, the Overseer, the Exalted in Might, the Compeller, the Superior. Exalted is Allah above whatever they associate with Him. He is Allah, the Creator, the Inventor, the Fashioner; to Him belong the best names. Whatever is in the heavens and earth is exalting Him. And He is the Exalted in Might, the Wise.” Q59:22-24.

In Conclusion, all the types of Tawheed (Oneness of Allah) are strongly attached to each other in such a way that what negates one negates all. Whosoever disbelieves in one automatically disbelieves in others. The example of that is calling other than Allah and asking him to do what only Allah can do. Thus, calling other than Allah is association in ‘Uloohiyah’, and asking others to supply a need, such as bringing goodness or pushing evil away, thinking that the called is able to do that is association of ‘Ruboobiyyah’. Allah said: “Verily, whosoever sets up partners (in worship) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden Paradise to him, and the Fire will be his abode” Q5:72. 

TEACH BEFORE CONDEMNING by Mubassirah Bint Solih

Neither of the two concepts is strange or requiring clarification; we must have all used those words at one point or the other.

It is no news that we all find it extremely easy to show our disdain for other people’s actions, speech, or even their persons in total. We hardly ever show restrain in condemning what we “feel” is inappropriate, unacceptable, wrong, or just not pleasing to us.
Condemnation has really become extremely popular due to the fact that many of us don’t understand the difference condemnation and correction. Funny enough, most of us opt for “constructive criticism” while not understanding any bit of what actually makes a criticism constructive.
Correction is to inform someone of their errors, while, condemnation is to scold sharply, to adjudge as unfit or of poor quality, invalid, unreliable, immoral, or illegal; with synonym being the word damnation. While correction is done with obvious good manners in order to invite someone to goodness by making them aware of their errors, condemnation on the other hand seeks to belittle and malign the individual (or object) by elaborating such faults (which is no longer seen as error, as it is believed during correction that the person is involved in that incorrect behavior due to ignorance).
I believe it is now clear to us the difference between correcting and condemning…
The manner in which our words are spoken/written, as well what those words exactly are, are both important factors in determining whether or not we are correcting or condemning. It is essential that we bear it in mind in both instances that what we want is to actually influence the other person towards making positive changes, so that we may have rewards for wanting better for our fellow human and making the world better for humanity as a whole.
Then, everybody is deserving of excuses: before you conclude on anything based on your observations from one or more things from a particular person, try to analyze all possible good reasons they may have to do such, as this will help you to keep them in a good light while you offer your correction.

Now, correction could be said to be a form of teaching: yes, letting someone know what (you believe) they do not know or reminding them what they have forgotten, in order to make them aware of their errors, which will then drive them willfully towards making corrective changes. Teaching is to correct/prevent the evils of ignorance, isn’t it? And, that is just what correction seeks to do!
Now, if we have offered correction countless times, and we are sure there is no restricting factor or circumstance that could be “forcing” the other person towards keeping up the attitudes or traits we have warned against, then, that is the only time we are allowed to give our constructive criticism, or outright condemnation for their heedlessness: note, this is also with a good mind, with hopes that the condemnation would push them towards retracing their steps in order to get back in the good books of people. Yes, you may not want to agree, but, there are times when condemnation is the best shot and option to correct a particular person/group/situations. All it requires is that we have adequate knowledge of the person(s) and situation(s) before opting for whichever.
Correction is done in secret, usually, because it saves the one who is being corrected from losing face before others (which might as well be a reason, though unworthy, for such individual to remain stubborn and heedless upon their errors, because they do not want to be ridiculed or mocked by other people who were present: truth is, nobody wants to be made a laughing stock, or showcased as an ignorant, but, it is just as true that nobody knows it all, and, at one point or the other, we will make mistakes and require correction), and with good words that soothe the heart of the one whose fault is being exposed to him, so that it is easy for him to humbly admit such faults and seek to make amends in whatever way possible. After this fails to yield positive change, and, for the love we have for such individual, we may approach person(s) we believe are closer and more respectable to the individual, still in good manners, to address the issue as well.

On the other hand, condemnation comes after several secret corrections and acquaintance counsels have been attempted and the individual chooses to remain heedless upon his manifest (or even latent) errors, in order to make the people he is trying to impress (by not admitting he is human who is susceptible to errors and making corrections) fully aware of his heedlessness upon wrong, so that they are aware of this fact and the individual is then forced to change his stance and admit his fault in order to regain his dignity and respect from the people, who would also start seeing him as an heedless and prideful individual who finds it difficult to admit his faults or make the corrections known.
Upon clarifying the relationship between the three beautiful concept, we may then ask: do we ever try to teach and correct before we condemn others? Take the instance of a lady (well, because, it is relatively more rampant among the womenfolk) who becomes aware of a specific pitfall of another, and then, in another situation hears people praising the other lady like she is faultless. Sure, your guess is as good as any: she would take pride in narrating that one shortcoming she knows about her in order to taint her image and lower the love and respect the other ladies have for her. It becomes a worse case when none of these people who have been informed sees it necessary to approach the lady in question in a good manner in order to confirm her side of the story, or understand the reason behind whatever evil it is they have become aware of, but rather, they take further pride in spreading such information about her, until, Allah saves us from such, her reputation is totally soiled before all people.

How many at times do we seek to confirm information before passing them around, yes, especially derogatory ones? How many times in many do we even think of giving this person an excuse as we would want to be done to us, before we pass a judgment on them for being bad?
It is rather common on our campuses… a friend told you that she lost her money and doesn’t have a penny to eat it. God so good, you had some change to spare, so, you gave her. Few minutes later, you saw her at a boutique purchasing some classy wears. Then, you shake your head and think “I’ve always suspected her to be a liar!” With no delay, the poor lady has been condemned with the badge of a liar, and, God help her if she ever tries to deny the allegation! You get to your circle of friends and narrate the story and they all agree to your assumption. Wow! None of you could even imagine that she was probably sent by someone? Or, there was an important reason for her to have done such? And, none of you could approach her in a good manner to hear her side of the story? Heaven help her if she ever opens her mouth to ask you for money again, or, a sum of money gets missing in your hostel: she is the prime suspect! SubhanaLlah! This is really so disheartening… we shouldn’t be doing this to one another!
There is another instance: Lady A told lady B that this lady C is a runs-girl, lady B claimed to not believe, so, lady A tells her to meet her a place A at time A, and, she agrees. True to their arrangement, they met there and saw lady C entering a car and getting driven off. Lady B claps her hand and exclaim “Hey! So, it is true! Wonders shall never end! And she will forming ‘na me holy pass’. At that, lady A shakes her head with a “I told you” look. Woe betide that young lady the next time she tries to advise them on sexual purity or any such, if at all they did not even turn their “realization” to the hottest story on campus. You may think: that is an obvious case nah. Really? you do not think the owner of that car may be her father? Or brother? Or even a female friend? Even if at all Lady A’s assumption was right, couldn’t she have called lady C’s attention to it and asked politely the reason she is engaging in such, so they could if they could be of help in changing her for the better? Isn’t that correction? Isn’t that what is beneficial to be done? What does their condemnation and story telling benefit anyone?
It is high time we realize our purpose in this life and get serious with it, sisters. When you notice anything wrong in anyone, try to call their attention to it a polite and good manner, and, help them to understand their faults in a polite manner still if they are wrong, and, help them to seek redemption in an instance where such is required. If you feel you are not in a position to talk to them, meet someone you know is in a better position to do that. If that is equally not feasible, then, keep quiet about it if it is not an evil that encompasses others. Plus, if you cannot talk to a person objectively about their shortcomings, how then will be in a position to condemn them for it? And, what you do, please be objective in it, do it with a good mind and with sincere intentions, to help that other person for the sake of Allah.

All these condemnation and thinking/speaking ill of one another is totally uncalled for… all the “kinni? As if we don’t know what she does under the cover of the night too…” and other similar lines are really not what is expected of a Muslimah.
May Allah ease our affairs and overlook our shortcomings: aameen.
Special thanks and love to the wonderful sister who chose this topic for us. I love you, sis. And, jazaakumuLlahu khayran.

HUSBAND ABUSE by Mubassirah Bint Solih

It is very uncommon to hear this term, and, on some levels, a lot of us would choose to believe it is because it's either it doesn’t exist, or, the rate of its occurrence is significantly minute as compared with the incidents of wife abuse. However, does the significant reduction lower the effects of the abuse on the victims?
Like statistics reveal on sexual abuse of male children and adults, domestic abuse of husbands do not get the due attention it deserves as a social menace, due to certain reasons that have made our society into a prejudiced one that typically ignores the emotional needs and circumstantial weaknesses of the male species.

Have you ever wondered why it is always just issues of husband abusing his wife that top the headers on social media? Have you ever stopped to wonder what could be responsible for such assaults that would lead to a woman coming out to seek public sympathy and aid “against” a tyrannical husband? From a different angle: what would your reaction be to an account of a man who shares the stories of how his wife “oppresses” him in a marriage with you? What would you say to him?
I know, we have been quite unfair for quite long, and, I wouldn’t say that is entirely anyone’s fault: women just tend to be naturally weak with emotions, and, we tend to normally just believe “because we’re weak, it has to be the fault of the man that his wife is suffering”, thereby, ignoring the “secret” needs that the man might need to “save” himself from the “suffocating cage”. A home where you do not have the peace you desire, no matter how hard you try and sacrifice to make that happen, is called what?
We have heard more than enough of husbands beating up their wives for no reason, blackmailing them emotionally and all manners of degrading abuse you could think of, yes, and we have done more than enough trying to set the records straight and putting those “men” in their places: women deserve to be respected and given all of the love they can be given in the whole wide world; a man is not complete as a man if he doesn’t know the value of his wife. Men don’t really “need” love, right? They are so much above that…

That is just where the problem actually starts: we don’t understand the fact that men are humans too, and, humans have innate needs for love and companionship; do we then say that we expect men to not have those feelings? Anyone of us would actually question the “manliness” of any man who “allows” his wife to step all of over him in disrespect, and as such: it becomes extra difficult for any man to open up to anyone about such anomaly going on within the locked doors of his matrimonial home, because, well, men naturally take pride in their “confidence”, while women take pride in their “lack of it”. I know, that may not settle down with a lot of us; we all take pride in our confidence and probably live depending greatly on it. However, on some levels, we agree that it is from the nature of men that they can control and handle their homes on their own with their wives and children submitting willfully to their rule, while, the woman on the other hand, takes pride in that submission to the husband; with all things being equal and normal of course.

It must be glaring now where the first problem stems from: everyone believes the woman is the submissive one, and, as such, is the one who can be “abused” and deserving of our support and pity against the “tyranny” of a man. The man who is in control of the home is the only one who can abuse his power, right? Since the woman doesn’t even have it anyway… then, what happens when this turns around? When the man no longer handles that, what becomes of the home? And then, how easy is it for the man to seek help from anyone when the situation turns around?
You may be very lucky to have a very great husband who readily does all of what is expected of him as a husband and more, but, do you know that is yet another means for you to be abusing him without you actively taking note?

Let’s highlight a few ways you might be abusing your husband without you realizing:
Abusing Priviledges: it is okay for that to happy once in a while, or, as often as you’re both okay with it in your marriage (there’s nothing that is better for you than what is both naturally agreed by you and your partner as “okay”), which is just fine. However, women tend to take the men who offer them assistance too often for granted (now, that’s not actually to say that men should offer their women assistance less often of course, we can always get by our affairs the best way possible), it is just in “human” nature (not just woman), and, by extension, we start to see it as an extension of the man’s role, when “benefits” start to appear to us as “responsibilities”.

Ingratitude: that is just a natural response from the first point, right? We become ungrateful when we stop seeing his help as help and instead make them his “assumed” responsibilities. However, ingratitude goes far beyond that, we all know but probably just don’t stay conscious of it. The Prophet mentioned this one of the reasons women would be much in the fire of hell, remember? Now, that probably informs us of its magnitude.
We should appreciate them for fulfilling their duties too, you know? Just how that extra thanks with a smile from him when you serve him a sumptuous meal is more than enough to make you forget the stress you went through in turning the raw food ingredients to that beautifully-made meal: that’s carrying out your responsibilities as a wife too, right? So, now, you understand why a sincere appreciation, for even very little things, is very important in your marriage, right?
If you have gotten so lax that you have continually taken your husbands good gestures for granted, then, do you admit that you have been cheating him for that long, dear wife? Wouldn’t you surprise him by picking up that attitude starting now? It doesn’t cost you a thing, but, it blesses your world so much more than any amount could ever get you!

Mocking him: don’t say it was a joke or any such, every words that come out of your mouth matter a great deal to that man who really loves you. Reminds of this line “put yourself in their shoes”, yeah, imagine it was him who was making a joke and says something about how “fat” you’ve grown, how “lazy” you are in house cleaning, and the likes, what would you feel at that moment? Even if it was “definitely” not true, wouldn’t you wonder for a bit long if that was actually what he really thought of you? And how much would it hurt you? Very much, right? Especially coming from your husband, right?
It is only fair that we start to recognize the feelings of the men in our lives and help them to lower their guards around us (it doesn’t have to be with the whole world, but, when they’re with us as their wives, then, definitely, they’ve got to stop being that “bossman” except when situations call for it). So, yes, please, always speak good to your husband, always compliment him, always feel free about conveying those sweet words and compliment to him, without feeling like you ever have to twist it and make it seem like he’s not so important to you after all: who knows? What if that moment would remain in his mind forever or for long at least?

Discussing him: the fact that your man is “good” or “bad” as compared to some “man” based on some “criteria” is enough reason for you to keep it to yourself, okay? You don’t want to go “advertising” your luck and maybe unintentionally breaking some hearts and making some people envious in the process, do you? And yes, you have to preserve his secrets and not “tarnish” his image before people, do you? Whatever the situation is, you have absolutely no right discussing your husband with ANYBODY except and unless it is “necessary” (and, if we will be really honest with ourselves, we know when that necessary is sincere and when it is not). Anything short of that, you have been abusing your husband, whether or not he knows about it, whether or not he feels bad about it, and whether or not he has rebuked you about it. So, who is worth carrying tales about your husband to?

Starve him: okay, you’re wondering which one? Okay, I tell you, either ways! Yeah, you have absolutely no right under any circumstance to starve your man! Don’t get me wrong though, some situations might warrant you staying away from his bed or kitchen, but, it should never be as a punishment! Never! We all know what we know, and, we all know how we play those games of ours, so, let’s be fair to ourselves and them. It is a different thing when your husband decides to relieve you of some stress by taking over duties in the kitchen for some time (a part of the day or a whole day or more), but, when he “has” to tie the apron and light a gas “because” his wife is upset and has chosen to abandon some (or all) of her wifely duties which include services in both rooms, then, you have really rethink the whole thing. Stop abusing that gentle man!

Shouting at him: I feel like using shouting “on” him here, because, by all rights, it feels like just what is happening. You know your husband is this gentleman who doesn’t like trouble (I’m not calling you a troublesome woman actually), and eww, he hates noise too (I’m not calling you noisy or lousy either), so, you choose to do exactly what you know he hates most when you’re upset at him or you have understanding issues. Well, even if he is someone who doesn’t feel uncomfortable raising his voice at you too (which doesn’t make sense either), it doesn’t give you the liberty to exchange banters with him. Yeah, this reminds me of the Yoruba line “t’enikan ba j’ewure, k’enikan j’aguntan” (literally: if someone is the goat, the other should be the sheep. Practically, when someone is angry, the other should be calm). No matter how difficult it is, always remember that your husband is your crown, and the Prophet said that the husband can either be your Jannah or your Nahr (since marriage is half your faith anyway), and, if nothing else, keeping that reality at the top of your mind would definitely assist you to always remain submissive to him. So, is there a way a submissive individual would ever raise her voice on the one she is submissive to? That is turning around and abusing your husband, woman!

Reproaching him: I definitely grew up being disgusted at this unnecessary exhibition of “feminine trait” (as the people around here term it)! I have never seen the sense in it: why offer an assistance you would eventually render void by reminding your benefactor of that help in a bid to make him feel little, right? We know it is not your responsibility to spend of your money on the expenses of the home, but, did anyone say it is an assistance that would tie him to your wrapper? Okay, let’s put him a bit nicely, does your offer of help have to turn him to the wife while you become the head of the family? You may need to revisit the story of Khadeejah and the Prophet as a couple, my dear sister.
Learn to do whatever you do for your husband and your home for the sake of Allah, like you do for everyone else: don’t expect it to win you a special place in his heart that would keep him enslaved to you (or any such). Any sane man would appreciate it and always remember your favours (we’re humans after all), but, it wouldn’t stop him from being a man, and you shouldn’t expect such from him. If however, on a larger scale, you happen to be the one with the upper hand in terms of footing bills and the likes, you shouldn’t let it steal from you the cloak of submissiveness to your husband (because that still hasn’t reversed your positions), hence, saying belittling remarks about how useless he is or whatever shouldn’t come from you as a believing woman, no matter how hurt or upset you feel by him.
Hence, always accord him the respect due to him as Allah as accorded him. Otherwise, you might be doing more harm to him mental health than you’d ever have imagined, whilst he “dare not” open his mouth to complain. That’s a great abuse, right?

Instigating your kids against him: this is much more common that you can imagine, and, I can’t help wondering: what sort of mentality pushes women to stoop so low? You spend more time with the kids, yes, and that is just right, which you should absolutely understand why it is so. Then, should you take that as an “opportunity” to feed your kids with “bad tales” about their own father simply because you had a misunderstanding with your own husband? Or just to ensure you have a “better” place in their hearts?
Whatever your reasons, they’re not worth it, and, nothing is enough to make you ever speak ill of your husband to his children (when you’re not even supposed to speak ill of any Muslim in the first place). Save those children from that undeserved torture, please, and resolve your issues with the one you have issues with, okay? Stop abusing the rights of your husband, okay?

Comparing him with others: this might be more dangerous than you could ever imagine. It might do no harm when you begin that subtle comparison in your mind, wondering how your life would be different if you had married someone else instead of your husband, or how someone is better looking or more generous than him or whatever else your little mind picks as adventure: we all get lost in our minds sometimes. However, we must “immediately” kill off that “demon” once it rears its ugly head up, because, it only seeks to kill the joy in your marriage. If, however, you pursue these comparisons, and whether or not you allow it to influence your attitude towards your husband, you are already abusing that man! Did someone say that a woman wouldn’t do that if the husband satisfies her enough? Then, I ask: can anyone ever satisfy another person every other time? Aren’t there times that even you feel disappointed with yourself? And you expect a man to “always” keep you happy and satisfied so that your mind wouldn’t stray?
We don’t live in an ideal world, but, really, a lot of things would have been possible and much easier if only our society was ideal. But, what to do? We have to make do with that which we have and make the best out of it, right? Whatever you do, whatever he does, don’t ever compare him with someone else who is not HIM!

Raising your hands on him: something like “save the best for the last” or should it be save the worst for the last in this situation? I don’t know, but, I don’t think this is actually the worst… it is the most “open” abuse of one’s husband after all, more than the other nine. Why would a woman ever raise a hand on a man who is her own husband? I don’t see the sense in it, but still, it happens, and, by Allah, it is inappropriate. And, as much as we are against domestic violence, nothing exempts the man from being a victim too! let us all fear Allah, sisters! I wouldn’t speak much on this since it is acutely clear, and, we only have to implore all who happen to do it to desist and make amends where necessary and possible.

Finally, I have written this piece, and, I hope it meets everyone in good faith. At some points, I felt like I was deviating, actually advicing my fellow women instead of addressing the issue of husband abuse (what can I do? After all, I am a woman and I cannot cheat that nature), but, then, I feel it is just as well, because, rather than dwelling on the problem, it is more essential that we draw the attention of everyone to the possible means of abusing a husband (which many of don’t actually take note of: even men who are victims!), so that we can all begin to avoid them, or, stop them if we already do them.
May Allah protect our marriages and bless all singles with the best of spouses too: aameen.
BarakaaLlahu feekunna.

LIFE IS A JOURNEY by Fatimoh Oyenike

Wandering I am in the world
Like a squirrel searching for hole
Thinking life has no end
But vanished it can
In a twinkle of an eye

Yesterday has gone it's way
Grab a copy of today
For tomorrow is not promised
By the creator of the days
For no one owns the world

We live and lost
Drawn in the deepest pit
Covered with the darkest clothes
Thinking is the best to have
But the Satan rope we've climbed

We dive in luxurious things
And flaunt like the world owner
Throwing aside the rope of Allah
Chasing the realest of vanity
Which paint the heart all in black

Swimming happily in haram
Leaving behind the Dawah
Turning a back to the words
Giving illusion attention
And end up in detention

Looking low at Ibadah
Believing necessary is not
Failed in reflecting on life
Ignoring the fact of existence
And shuning the purpose of living

Life is a journey
For everything shall come to end
And resurrection shall follow behind
Accounting for the journey
In the presence of the Mighty

Turn Unto thee
That grant forgiveness
And dilute with Rahma
For Him is oft-forgiven
For Him is Al Ghafur

What if your final time comes?
Which position will you be?
For you have got blind of dhikr
And anticipating for Janah
With deeds of Jahanam

Row your boat with gentility
Put on the garment of Shariah
And spread around peace and love
By Him, your final abode
Alhamdulillah it shall be

DARK SECRETS by Mubassirah Bint Solih

Most of us have issues trusting ourselves with love. Chill, it’s probably not what you’re thinking… I mean, we all have hard times bringing our ill feelings to limelight, sharing our misgivings with “others”, because, we actually feel unsure in our insecurity and feel it binding upon us to keep the whole “bad vibes” in so that we don’t “bother” the “others” or come up as weak and “pathetic” (how much I hate that word! And, yeah, I know, most of us do what we do against our own selves because we don’t want anyone to attach that word to our persons).

Quite all right, we have gotten to the point where we understand and admit the fact that every single soul walking the surface of the earth has their own “fair” share of problems (you might have issues with the definition of fair, which is okay, but, if you have issues with the whole concept of everyone fighting their own battles, then, we probably need to address that more seriously). On normal grounds, fine, we have accepted that fact, but, we have still not overcome the shame that accompanies that sinking feeling we get in the pit of our bellies when we are hit hard by life blows, the awful excruciating pain that accompanies our falls against the rock bottom, the silence we force in our souls while battling those inner demons… somebody might be understanding why it’s a tad bit difficult to ever combat depression being a social menace for real, uh? Yeah, because, as much as it is about you being willing to listen to someone share some deep secrets of their weaknesses and need for help with you, it’s about that someone being as willing to open up and admit to those woes and shortcomings of theirs: which we hardly ever want to do as individuals.
We have agreed that problems are unavoidable, but, we are yet to agree that problem-sharing helps a great deal, right? Oh no, some of us are past that point, but, we just haven’t been able to agree that it doesn’t reduce our worth as dignified human beings to share our problems with “others” and seek their assistance in overcoming them, instead of keeping them all in and killing ourselves faster by bottling it all up.
On a very narrow scale, this article is actually for those of us who are rocked harder by the emotional waves that’s affecting the mental wellbeing… it is a lot easier to talk to someone about problems they can “see” for themselves, you know? Talk of being broke (financially), having a sprained knee (physically), having a medical condition, and the likes. But, it’s a tad bit harder coming down to the emotional ladder: anybody get the gist here? They are the “dark secrets” we clutch really close to our hearts and keep our lips sealed tight on, because, most times, we don’t feel our emotions are actually validated, or that we can bring “others” to understand what’s actually beyond words.
We all have some insecurities about our individual selves: you think you’re too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too whatever you may think of. I know, it’s actually not “all of us”, but, everyone on this table knows this is not something “abstract”. Even those who are actually not “on the table” can relate to some levels because we now have a bit more understanding of what “inferiority complex” is all about (somewhat), and that is really great. Again, those insecurities actually stem from different situations and interactions; they get worse or better with the passage of time, and, with the formation of more or less bonds.

Many of us are actually more concerned about our physique because of more intimate interactions than casual or tight friendships, we bury the source of the concern which is actually “marriage”, because, we didn’t quite get that well-positioned from the onset in our upbringing.  It is not something we ever want to bring up, they’re the unpopular topics, we prefer to keep them stuffed up in the dark they spurred from: we can’t have anyone know that we have such insecure feelings about our own bodies and persons, and, that’s very much understandable. The reasons are out there in the open for everyone to see, but no, they can’t see “why” it would be a source of concern for you because they’re not in your shoes. And, you can’t blame them for not feeling what they’re not feeling, can you?  You find it difficult to mention your thoughts about such fears, but, you keep getting thrown by the influences of those fears, and still?
Someone will say this is more of psychological than emotional, right? Yeah, it is just that everything affecting your psychological process tends to stem from your emotional processes, and this is an essential case of one, so, yes, let’s take the root for a discuss: what you think about yourself.
We have heard more than enough about being proud of who you are and loving yourself for who you are, and yes, we are really trying hard to start embracing ourselves for all of the good and the bad, changing ourselves for the better and accepting the flaws that we cannot change. But, what happens when after a whole long process of convincing myself that I’m actually okay this way, that I’m amazing just the way I am, that someone out there is going to accept and appreciate me for all of those flaws and weaknesses and they’re going to be proud to be a part of my life… what happens when after I get hold of a fragile rein that lends me a fleeting hope, I am forced to go back and reconsider the assumption that loving myself was enough to make anyone appreciate me?
It is difficult to get it out, so, we appreciate it when someone steps up and kind of “speak my mind” so that we feel that our feelings are actually valid and we’re not so “weird” and “different” for having those fears and feelings. Truth is: we care about marriage, we deeply care about getting married and being loved and appreciated by our spouses! We all do! And, when you have those extra personal insecurities about how you look? It makes it harder! We all know this, we just might not readily admit it to our consciousness, but, it’s there, somewhere in our subconscious, it’s really lurking there in that dark. We are afraid of being laughed at on account of our bodies, we are afraid of being mocked for being on either the “lack” or “surplus” end, and that fear could get validated a few many times.

I know a number of dear friends who have had quite a number of marriage proposals fail due to this issue: you’re not my ideal woman type. Somebody might laugh and say “really?”, but really, I tell you, it’s not funny. Let me get to talking to the people who are really my focus here:
I won’t stop telling you to believe that you’re amazing just the way you are, and, that is because, I honestly believe it is so. I honestly believe that Allah created us all in the most beautiful and perfect ways that suit our individual persons. Also, I won’t stop telling you to keep loving yourself… it might be hard to believe that anybody would actually love you for who you are after “many” failed attempts, but… loving yourself is not “all” that you need to make someone love and accept you for who you are, but, it is the most essential thing if you would honestly ask yourself too. You have to love yourself enough to believe in yourself that you’re deserving of not just anyone, but, someone who is great and awesome enough to be deserving of you.
It is not just about physical attributes now, let’s encompass all of the deals that could be making you feel like a failure with “love”, leaving you with the feeling of “unwanted”, “unlovable”, and whatever; it all starts with what you think of yourself but it doesn’t end there.
You need to understand the fact that everybody has got their own unique “tastes”, just like you have yours too (don’t bother raising a brow here, it would be nice if you’d get a bit more honest and fair with yourself), and that would help you to accept some “rejections” and/or “failures” a bit more nicely. You have probably only being coming across the “wrong” persons all the while, yeah, people who have tastes that you don’t fit, and, that shouldn’t say that you’re someone who’s not going to fit anybody’s taste (that’s impossible, not near-impossible, so get it off your mind right now if you’ve made yourself sunk down there). It’s usually not about “you”, but, it’s about “them”, about the picture they’ve set for themselves, about the qualities and features they appreciate: do you ever appreciate vanilla and chocolate alike? I doubt it. Would you then say one is better and the other is worse? I doubt that too. It’s all dependent on individual tastes: one man’s food is another man’s poison, they say.

Next, with the realization on point number two, we need to be very “PATIENT”. As simple as the word sounds, it is very difficult to practice, especially in cases such as this. The good news is just that it will definitely be worth it in the beautiful end. You need to be very patient and hold up the respect for yourself, keep growing in love for your being, keep learning more about your person so that your love wouldn’t stop growing and you wouldn’t stop improving on the necessary aspects of your being. This would really help in making you the best version of the woman-for-me when he finally gets to realize the beauty in your nature and gets lucky enough to successfully marry you! You want to make sure he has his worth and never regrets making that choice, don’t you? You waited long so you’d definitely make the best go at this, right? Yeah, I know, he loves you for who you are (finally, somebody isn’t blind: apologies, I ain’t calling anyone blind actually, just, you know), and you want to make sure he keeps falling more deeply in love as he finds out more about you.

The whole advice and encouragement thing might seem theoretical and all, I know, it’s really hard battling feelings of insecurity that you know no other person can actually relate with except you, and that is why the bulk of the work lies upon you! Friends would be awesome in boosting your self-confidence too: girlfriends are especially awesome when it comes to uplifting your spirit after a marriage proposal gets flopped and you’re, well, back to the single and searching department. You don’t ever need to “act” like it’s okay until it actually really is “okay”, so, keep friends who’d help you to really act all the stupid mess you’d need to release to really be “okay”, and then, proudly pick your baton again and head your race.
“You’re not having a problem because you’re you, no, you’re having a problem because you’re human, and every human goes through some bumps!”

Definitely, when the time is right, the man for you is going to show up and proudly make you his wife, and then, he’d probably spend the rest of his life praising his Lord for blessing him with such a wonderful woman (now, you see why you have to really be that wonderful woman for him? Even though he’s actually being a bit late: well, no, by Allah, he is just keeping the right time). So, yeah, you’re going to listen to him praise your beauty with such sincerity you’d wonder why you used to beat yourself up over those past few years he hadn’t shown up, and, I tell you, he wouldn’t just tell you that you’re the most amazing woman and his very best choice he wouldn’t ever make the mistake of not picking you if he was asked to choose over and again, he wouldn’t tell you just because he “has” to say it, but, he will tell you all of that and more because he deeply “feels” it as the overwhelming beautiful truth!

Last question though: have you ever seen a woman who remains “unable” to marry till the end of life because she was too thin/fat/tall/short/flat/surplus?
If you know one, kindly share with me, let me learn. Otherwise, we are assured that there’s definitely someone made for every someone, so, why won’t we be glad and stay hopeful in our quest for love?

A BLOOMING FLOWER by Daud Ismail Olakunle

Rays which escapes the
cheek of a rising sun
touches the dying
Flower wounded
Of love and
Germinates again.

Screeching of a smiling
Moon sending out
A glittery smile
Renders the nocturnals
A beautiful new life.

If I stamp my feet
Again and again on
This withered grass,
It will surely
Receive another
Life

The Nightingale borrows
A tone from my
Aethestic elixir ones
And consoles your
Gloomy day.
To rain away the sorrow.

Sparkling of my teeth
Metaphorical the smitten gold;
Pure diamond exposes
To a beaming naked light.

My touches house the
Wandering frozen breeze
That can chill
A boring lonely heart

This is another life
Full of sensitive fragrance
Absconding from a
Blooming flower
Of the esteemed paradise.

MY OWN VOICE THIS EĪD DAY by Muhammed AbdulWasiu

Come what may, will my pen zig zag,
From sanctifying my precious ink and its swag
Thus, with "Bismillahi Ar-rahmān Ar-raheem" it shall bleed out,
The soothing words that needs not to escape the mouth

With much love I say a big Shukran,
To those strong hearts who with their great plan,
Still hold tightly onto one love;
The root of family! And also with love,

Would I ever deny the so hard working scholars
Let man look out through the world's window,
And behold the bloody mouths,
Whose tongue is to stab the Dawah's heart. Woe!

Onto them; the whole disbelievers
Oh Allāh! Bless and protect them upon Dawah,
As they spread out the only word of Allāh;
The great scholars!

With my mysterious pen,
I pacifically honor those men,
Whose today's sunrise was welcomed with a loss.
Surely, thee loss is never a downfall, but a wake to everyone of us

Oh Allāh! Oh Ar-rahmān!
Strengthen the Muslim Ummah all over the world,
And may the blessings of Him be upon the great and virtuous man;
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and the one who hold onto his word(s)

Till the day of resurrection
And you! Your "Aameen" the sanction!

GONE WAS THE MONTH OF MORALITY by Abduljabbar bn Mukhtar

My candle of happiness was lighted
When I heard the moon wasn't sighted
For open was still the entrance to heaven
And the chance to fall In an eternal seven.

Now, the happiness has faded away
My heart fell in pangs and lost its array
Cold caught me like season of hamathan
My tears fell waving bye-bye to Ramadan.

Shaytan and his troops will be set freed
Mankind will return to their unlawful deeds
The earth will be designed with profanity
Because gone was the month of morality.

Sermons will not be listened to again
Our hearts will be paint'd with sinful stains
Man will sin and fail to seek forgiveness
For shame and blame will befall godliness.

Altruism and Alms giving will tear apart
For egoism will return back to man's heart
Devotion and sanctity with gain demotion
While insanity and sin with gain promotion.

Pious wights will be wet will with sadness,
Impious wights will drown in gladness
The earth will be designed with profanity
Because gone was the month of morality.